The number one ‘Not-At-All-Like-You-Think-It-Will-Be’ Job of All Time has to be 'Restaurateur'. Someone somewhere, about every five minutes, thinks "Goddammit, I'm done with this ludicrously stable and lucrative accountancy/PR/admin/managerial job; I'm going to sell up, remortgage my house and my children's kidneys, buy a damp-ridden hole in Arseville and open my own concept restaurant. MAN, I'M GONNA LIVE THE DREAM." You generally find them 5 months later, partner- and childless, sometimes kidney-less and definitely nearly without a liver due to the quantities of gin consumed to deal with the stress, sleeping on the floor of their ‘dream restaurant’ and twitching every time someone drops a fork.
And so it is with The Restaurant Man, a new series on BBC2 along the lines of Alex Polizzi's Hotel Inspector except with fewer curls and Russell Norman - our host with the most - is in at the start with these would-be entrepreneurs. It's important to understand the significance of appointing Norman in this role: arguably he has changed the face of restaurant dining in London; he's one of the men behind Scott's, J Sheekey's and The Ivy Club before branching out and setting up a seemingly un-ending "chain" of Polpo, the Venetian cicchetti restaurant as well as Spuntino and Mishkin's. If you're not a Londoner, these names probably won't mean anything to you, but trust us when we say, they are SMOKIN'. No reservations, no advance bookings, just wait-in-line funky joints where you can pop a bite or two with a drink or three. He knows what he's doing.
What's so extraordinary is the cavalier attitude of the frankly not-a-blooming-clue brigade that think they can open up their own grooving joint. So we've had the two best mates (one with the most amazing waxed moustache since Poirot RIP) who thought Southampton was ready for a dirty/gourmet burger joint. To be fair to them, they totally nailed it, but that was thanks to Moustache Man and his 20-hour days' slaving/near-total mental breakdown and rather less to his banker friend who didn't seem to see the need to give up his day job. Then we were fortunate enough to meet the couple who wanted to open a gastropub in the Cotswolds, who thought £25 and rising was a decent price for a main course, who never bothered to taste the menu (!!!) and left halfway through the opening night to "put the animals to bed". Our Russell watched them go with disbelief writ large on his face. Again they thought they could run a pub as well as hold down day jobs (and side jobs apparently). Next up was the brave lady bringing the Scandi trend to Macclesfield, bless her. Again she eventually triumphed, but only after Russell's repeated banging on about COSTS - she hadn't even costed her ingredients to know how to price her menu.... *boggling mind*. And again she thought she could open 7 days a week, lunch and dinner, and run it on her own. After another tearful breakdown, she realised the error of her ways. None of them - let's just make this clear - NONE OF THEM had any bar/waiting on/restaurant experience whatsoever *falls over*.
The key to all of these businesses eventually finding their way has been Russell's eye for detail, from the sequence of service, counting footfall on the street outside, measuring competitors' bars and bar stools for optimum height, detailed spreadsheets on costs. Every week he gives a new insight into how he makes his own restaurants succeed; if you were a canny start-up, you'd be taking notes because by the end of it, you would have it all, And just for the price of a TV license. What it does show is the thought, trickery, intelligence and excruciating detail that goes into every successful restaurant - or should do. So next time you' re eating out, have a look round. Does it measure up to Russell's standards or.... could you do better?
