Top Ten Restaurant Turkeys
We're not, like, Scrooges or anything, but the food scene around Christmas time is decidedly "whevs dude". It's all about food at home and the traditions we love to loathe, from over-cooked beef ("because turkey is ALWAYS dry") to present-opening time slots (just the thing to keep the kids permanently one step ahead of capitalist meltdown). So to enter into the spirit, we thought we'd give you a quick Top 10 of the world's biggest restaurant turkeys. They'll have you begging for more sprouts.
10. Dans le Noir, London. This has been discussed many times, but we still can't get over the sheer pointlessness of the exercise. No it DOESN'T enhance your tasting experience - you can't tell what the freaking food is. Most people, tasting in the dark, would confuse cabbage with pineapple. We are just not that sophisticated. Turn the lights on and learn how to present food properly.
9. EAT, New York. Another pointless sensory deprivation exercise that only comes in a bit higher because it's newer and clearly restaurateurs are still scrabbling for a "concept" (as opposed to somewhere one can just grab some food). Aaanywaay, EAT is a silent restaurant. No talking. No music. So you can immerse yourself in the beauty of what's in front of you. Jeez, half the fun of restaurants is the conversation and the buzz. We recommend taking a book and dining alone - might as well.
8. Buns & Guns, Beirut. We mentioned this place a few years ago, but surprisingly it's still going. Get your lunch military-style with the fluting whap-whap sound of helicopters overhead and diners and staff going commando. No, wait, that's not right. Camouflage. Which makes it really fun to spot the waiters.
7. Bounce, London. Pizza and ping pong. Together. You try it. Then come back and recommend it. #nevergonnahappen
6. Café Marly, Paris. Ah, our inspiration. One of the two French restaurants named and shamed recently as only accepting beautiful diners - the other being Le Georges, for those taking notes and who aren't overly friendly with their mirror. Indeed, Café Marly does not accept phone reservations because there's no way to tell what the customers look like. Recession - pah! As les Francais would say. (or not, because frankly they tend not to give a monkey's bum over that kind of thing).
5. Modern Toilet, Taiwan. Nearly an establishment in Taiwan now. You sit on toilet seats and eat out of toilet bowls. No-one has yet reported on whether they bothered leaving the restaurant when nature called. #takingyourlifeinyourownhands
4. Sky restaurant, Belgium. Well, this is just stupid. Eat your dinner at a table dangling from a crane. Presumably all objects of use are fastened securely. And it's only £10,000 to hire. Well, they do say the market is taking an upturn...
3. Death restaurant, Ukraine. Bit of a cool one, this. Eat in a coffin-shaped restaurant in a working funeral parlour. Chic, no?
2. Nyotaomori, Japan. Meaning "female body plate" (and no, feminist friends, there is not a male body plate equivalent), you are invited not only to eat your sushi off a naked (fake) woman - apparently the only way to eat it - but then also invited to eat the body itself. Cannibalism and misogyny all in one tasty bite - YUM!
1. Hospital-themed restaurants, Riga and Taiwan. Bonkers. Completely out-there loony tunes. Go to hospital, be served by nurses, eat and drink via IV tubes and syringes, be wheeled around in wheelchairs, go to the loo in the "Emergency room" - WHY? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHY? You're going to be spending a lot of time in similar places in a few years - why extend it? Bonkers, the lot of 'em.
